A family member has passed away, but a wedding in the family is already being planned. What now? It is one of the questions families ask us most.
In the past, when a parent died, the children mourned for three years. One explanation is that for the first three years of life, a child is almost always in its mother's arms, so three years of mourning repays that care.
The idea is very old. In the Analects, Confucius's student Zai Wo complained that three years of mourning was too long. Confucius replied: “A child is three years old before it leaves its parents' arms.”
During mourning, the family did not hold celebrations. A wedding had to wait until the three years were over.
The first 100 days also matter. For 100 days after the death, the family still offers tea and meals to the deceased, as if they were still at home with everyone.
The older generation say that if a wedding has already been agreed, it can be held within these 100 days. If it misses the 100 days, the couple should wait another year.
There are other mourning customs too. In some Teochew families, for example, the family wears plain colours for a year and avoids meat and alcohol; does not attend other people's weddings, full-month celebrations or temple thanksgiving events for a year, though gift money can be sent through someone else; and does not put up red couplets on the door for three years.
Today, few families observe the full three years, and there is no strict rule about the 100 days either. Hokkien, Teochew, Hakka and Cantonese families each have their own practices.
Customs differ from place to place and between dialect groups. This is shared for reference only, with no need to be superstitious. Ask the master conducting the rites, or decide together with your elders.